Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived.

"Isn't it good?" I asked.

She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."

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This casting agent comes in, legendary producer Robert Evans recalled, and says, "We found the next James Dean." So I look at a screen test of this guy talking with a girl, and another guy walks in, doesn't say a word, hands the girl something, smiles, and walks out. And I said, "Hold it, hold it. That's the guy! Who's the guy with the smile?" She says, "I don't know." And I say, "Well, find out!" She comes back and says, "His name is Jack Nicholson."

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A couple often ate at a local restaurant and were amused to discover the simple way the eatery had of advertising its hours. The door displayed four large letters that spelled the word "OPEN."

Then, after business hours, the "N" was moved forward to spell out "NOPE."

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I was attending a benefit, and before the show began, I walked up to a man wearing fatigues. "I just want to thank you for your service to our country," I told him. He looked thoroughly confused, but I walked away knowing I'd done the right thing. Later, when my soldier took the stage along with a police officer, a construction worker, and a Native American, it dawned on me why he'd had a puzzled expression, I had thanked a member of the Village People.

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The notable difference between an itch and an allergy is at least fifty dollars.

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At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. "This thing is great," he bragged to my brother.

"It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!"

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A shopper at the grocery store had written a check for her purchases and was waiting for the clerk to bag them. Instead, he asked for identification, citing company policy. The flustered shopper responded, "But I'm your mother!"

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice.

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My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground. I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic..

He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter.

The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply, then said vaguely, "Well, the one we have won't fly."

The frustrated supervisor pressed the question, "Why won't it fly."

After a long pause came another reluctant response, "Well, I say it won't fly because it's upside down. The pilot says it won't fly because it's under twenty feet of water."

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They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Canyon. "Do you know," asked the guide, "that it took millions and millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?"

"Well, I'll be darned," exclaimed the traveler. "I never knew this was a government job."

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A little girl asked her mother for two dollars to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the two dollars.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

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"A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good, and a real one." (J.P. Morgan)

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"The Labor Movement; the folks who brought you the weekend." (From a bumper sticker, 1995)

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If you're rich you're an alcoholic, if you're poor you're just a drunk.

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