"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven," the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child.

"Why," questioned the girl, "What have you been doing wrong?"

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One dark and stormy night, my son, Roy, was delivering a load of pipe for an oil-field services company in northern Alaska. Unfortunately he backed the truck over a well head and broke it, thus allowing highly inflammable and explosive gas to escape.

After he filed a report the next day with his supervisor, Sam, he was asked: "Okay, you shut off the truck and moved to a safe distance. Then what did you think you should do?"

"I was thinking I should get a haircut," Roy replied.

"Wait a minute," Sam said. "You're out in the boonies, your truck is stuck on top of a potential disaster, you're costing us and the oil company megabucks, and all you can think of doing is getting a haircut?"

"Well," said my long-haired son, "I figured I'd need one so I could look for a new job."

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The Definition of a Mother.

A mother is someone who loves to tuck you into your bed at night.

And prays you will have good dreams until the morning’s light.

A mother is someone who makes you glad,

Even when you don’t feel very good or are sad.

She makes you so happy when you are blue

I’m glad I have a mother, are you?

A mother is someone who helps you when you need help, no one could ever take her place.

A mother is the best person in the entire human race.

Before herself, a Mother, always thinks of others.

My mother is so good to me, to thank you Lord for Mothers.

--By Andrea Lynn Forsberg.

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Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, "Would you please say where we are, very slowly?" The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, "Burrrgerrr Kinngg."

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Show me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a very messy house.

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If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

My psychiatrist specializes in group therapy. Instead of a couch, he has bunk beds.

The funny thing about going to a psychiatrist is that you have to lie down to learn how to stand on your own two feet.

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Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow. My husband was starting to flip out, so I tried to distract him with small talk.

"You know," I said, "our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now."

"Really?" my husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."

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Don't knock the weather. ..If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation. - Kin Hubbard

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Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.

-Woodrow Wilson

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HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY....

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

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Before writing a prescription for my young daughter, the pediatrician asked her if she was allergic to anything. Erica whispered something in his ear. That night, before giving her the medicine, I read the directions on the bottle. The doctor had warned, "Do not take with broccoli."

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How did the cat get IN the bag?

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