Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

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I didn't realize how much my nursing career had affected my family until the day my three-year-old granddaughter said to me, "Grammy, I think my blood sugar is low. Can I have a cookie?"

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An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."

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An old man gets up every morning, goes out in front of his house, and sprinkles a white powder up and down the street.

One day, a neighbor who has watched his routine for many years confronts him. “What is this powder you sprinkle on the street every morning?”

“It's special elephant powder,” the old man said. “It keeps the elephants away.”

“But,” says the neighbor. “Everybody knows that there are no elephants in Nebraska.”

The old man just nodded, “I guess it must be working, then.”

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BOOK TITLE................AUTHOR

"Animal Illnesses".....Ann Thrax

"Fallen Underwear".....Lucy Lastic

"Downpour!".....Wayne Dwops

"Cloning".....Ima Dubble

"Irish Flooring".....Lynn O'Leum

"I Lived in Detroit".....Helen Earth

"Inflammation, Please".....Arthur Itis

"Handel's Messiah".....Ollie Luyah

"Avoiding High Construction Costs".....Bill Jerome Home

"The Pain of Unemployment".....Anita Job

"What Lonely Girls Should Do".....Seymore Fellows

"The Tiger's Revenge".....Claude Butz

"Lewis Carroll".....Alison Wonderland

"Leo Tolstoy".....Warren Peace

"Neither a Borrower".....Nora Lender Bee

"Tight Situation".....Leah Tard

"The Scent of a Man".....Jim Nasium

"Car Trouble".....M. T. Tank

"Wind in the Willows".....Russell Ingleaves

"Look Younger".....Fay Slift

"Mountain Climbing".....Andover Hand

"No!".....Kurt Reply

"And Shut Up!".....Sid Downe

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ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment):n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

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HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor): n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

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The luncheon was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There is no clergyman present, let us thank God."

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Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

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A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining."

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?"

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."

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Teacher: "I told you to stand at the end of the line."

Pupil: "I tried, but there was someone already there."

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My wife struggled with a career crisis: Should she quit her job? Knowing how panicked she was, I called our florist and sent my wife a bouquet with a card that said, "I believe in you. Love, Mose."

Later, she called to thank me. "But I'm confused by the card," she said.

"Really? Why?"

"Because it reads, "I be leaving you. Love, Mose."

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