A conscientious minister decided to become acquainted with a new family in his congregation and called on them recently.

After a knock on the door, a lifting voice from within called out, "Is that you, angel?"

"No," replied the minister, "but I am from the same department."

Three of my husband's female co-workers took a correspondence course with him, and they met weekly in our home. I'd get our young son, Zach, off to bed, greet the three as they arrived, then leave with my daughter for a Brownie meeting. After a couple of months I chanced to meet Zach's kindergarten teacher. She repeated to me what Zach had announced in class: "Tonight's the night my mom and sister go to Brownies and Dad has his girlfriends over."

Peter Ustinov once took his young daughter to see a grand production of Aida (her first opera) in the Baths of Caracalla in Rome. When, during a pivotal scene, several animals (including elephants, horses, camels, and a number of stray cats) simultaneously relieved themselves, Ustinov felt a light tapping at his elbow. It was his daughter: "Daddy," she said, "is it allright if I laugh?"

It's hard to save for a rainy day when it seems to be raining every day.

Today's useless fact - Are 'light' or 'mild' cigarettes lesss harmful than normal cigarettes?

'Light' or 'mild' cigarettes have been found to be just as harmful as other cigarettes.

Nicotine is powerfully addictive and the smoker's brain seeks to ensure a desired level of nicotine is maintained in the blood. Smokers consequently adapt their smoking behavior to ensure they inhale enough smoke to achieve a satisfactory nicotine 'hit'. When a smoker cuts down the number of cigarettes they smoke, or uses light cigarettes, they're likely to 'compensate' by taking more or deeper puffs, smoking the cigarette further down to the butt, smoking more cigarettes, holding the smoke in their lungs for a longer time, or by unwittingly blocking ventilation holes in the filter of light cigarettes with fingers, saliva or lips having experienced greater 'satisfaction' when doing so. By increasing their intake of nicotine, smokers also take in more tar.

I took Spanish lessons every day while my husband and I lived in Argentina. After a month, my tutor encouraged me to "speak to the shop clerks, the maid, speak to everyone and practise, practise." A few days later my husband and I went out for dinner. I studied the menu carefully, and in a confident manner gave the waiter my order in Spanish. His eyes widened ever so slightly. "Seņora, I believe you want onions in your salad, not horses."

A neighbor and my dad were always trying to outdo each other with tall tales. Once, my dad told his friend that our dog could talk.

"I know," the neighbor replied coolly. "My dog came home and told me."

Things are seldom what they seem: that's why people mistake education for intelligence and wealth for happiness.

Household hints #2

#2 When you buy a box of "SOS" pads, cut them in half with your scissors. Chances are you will never need a piece much bigger and this saves you money. When you toss the old, rusty pad, it won't be as much of a waste. Second tip within a tip...Cutting them in half with your scissors sharpens the scissors also!

One of the many disadvantages of retirement is the fact that the retiree has to drink coffee on his own time.

If there's no money in the pockets, what difference does it make who wears the pants in the family?

I had been on a business trip with four other women, one of them my boss. Because we had been gone for seven days, we decided to take a couple of days off to be with our families. When we returned to work, my boss asked if my baby had missed me. "Oh, yes," I replied, "although the more often I go away, it seems the more independent my family becomes. They don't seem to need me so much."

After a moment's pause, my boss looked up with a wry smile. "So," she asked, "how many more times do you think it's going to take?"

Adamant: The very first insect.

Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Amazing facts about cats!

- The nose pad of a cat is ridged in a pattern that is unique, just like the fingerprint of a human.

- 25% of cat owners blow dry their cats hair after a bath.

- If your cat is near you, and her tail is quivering, this is the greatest expression of love your cat can give you. If her tail starts thrashing, her mood has changed --- Time to distance yourself from her.

- Cats wag their tails when it is in a stage of conflict. The cat wants to do two things at once, but each impulse blocks the other. For example: If your cat is in the doorway wanting to go outside, and you open the door to find it raining, the cat's tail will wag because of internal conflict. The cat wants to go outside, but doesn't want to go into the rain. Once the cat makes a decision and either returns to the house or leaves into the rain, the tail will immediately stop wagging.

- Cats knead with their paws when they're happy.

- Your cat loves you and can "read" your moods. If you're sad or under stress, you may also notice a difference in your cat's behavior.

- The average age for an indoor cat is 15 years, while the average age for an outdoor cat is only 3 to 5 years.

- A cat's normal body temperature is 101.5 degrees. This is slightly warmer than a humans.

- People who own pets live longer, have less stress, and have fewer heart attacks.

- Cats love to chew on grass, catnip, parsley or sage. Become a green thumb and plant an indoor garden for your cat! But be careful ===toxic plants

- A falling cat will always right itself in a precise order. First the head will rotate, then the spine will twist and the rear legs will align, then the cat will arch its back to lessen the impact of the landing.

- "Sociable" cats will follow you from room to room to monitor your activities throughout the day.

- Cats get their sense of security from your voice. Talk to your cats! And be mindful of your tone of voice. Cats know when you're yelling at them (though they may not care).

- The more cats are spoken to, the more they will speak to you.

- The Giraffe, Camel and Cat are the only animals that walk by moving both their left feet, then both their right feet, when walking. This method of walking ensures speed, agility and silence.

- Cats can see in color!

- Cats are partially color blind. They have the equivalency of human red/green color blindness. (Reds appear green and greens appear red; or shades thereof.)

- Cats rub up against other cats, and people, in an attempt to "mark" them with their scent glands. They most often use the scent glands between their eye and ear (near the temple area) or their scent glands near the base of their tail.

- Have you ever tried to feed your cat food that was just taken out of the refrigerator? Most cats prefer their food at room temperature, and will boldly REFUSE any food that is too cold or too hot.

- Many experts report that cats will purr when feeling any intense emotion (pleasure or pain).

- Cats are the sleepiest of all mammals. They spend 16 hours of each day sleeping. With that in mind, a seven year old cat has only been awake for two years of its life!

- A cat that bites you after you have rubbed his stomach, is probably biting out of pleasure, not anger.

- Expect to spend an average of $80 per year on vet bills, for the lifetime of each cat you own. It costs $7000 to care for one household cat over its lifetime. This covers only the necessities; the pampered pet will carry a higher price.

- A flashlight makes a great cat toy! Turn the flashlight on in a dark room, and watch your feline "chase" the beam of light!

- The easiest way to pick up cat hair? Spray an anti-static spray on the area you want to clean. Wait one minute, then wipe up the hair with a six inch brush.

- Stings to the mouth can be very dangerous to cats. If your cat is stung, or ever experiences any type of sting to the mouth, take her to the vet immediately. As her mouth swells from the sting, she may be unable to breath. Stings require urgent medical care.

Trivia: How did the bikini get its name?

The modern bikini was invented by engineer Louis Reard in Paris in 1946 (introduced on July 5), and named after Bikini Atoll, the site of nuclear weapon tests in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the atomic bomb.

What did it have to do with the Atome?

Reard's suit was a refinement of the work of Jacques Heim who, two months earlier, had introduced the "Atome" (named for its size) and advertised it as the world's "smallest bathing suit". Reard split the "atome" even smaller, but could not find a model who would dare to wear his design. He ended up hiring Micheline Bernardini, a nude dancer from the Casino de Paris, as his model.

How long did it take for it to catch on?

It took fifteen years for the bikini to be accepted in the United States. In 1951 bikinis were banned from the Miss World Contest. In 1957, however, Brigitte Bardot's bikini in And God Created Woman created a market for the swimwear in the US, and in 1960, Brian Hyland's pop song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" inspired a bikini-buying spree. Finally the bikini caught on, and by 1963, the movie Beach Party, starring Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon, led a wave of films that made the bikini a pop-culture symbol.

What about the monokini?

In recent years, the term monokini has come into use for topless bathing by women: where the bikini has two parts, the monokini is the lower part. Where monokinis are in use, the word bikini may jokingly refer to a two- piece outfit consisting of a monokini and a sun hat. The term was coined by Rudi Gernreich.

Are bikinis actually getting smaller?

The lower part of the bikini was further reduced in size in the 1970s to the Brazilian thong, where the back of the suit is so thin that it disappears into the buttocks. Recently bikinis have been getting smaller. This trend started with the top piece, but after shrinking the top so much that it barely covers the nipples, swimsuit manufacturers have moved on to reducing the size of the bottom piece

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

Shortly after his acclaimed appearance as Bottom in the television adaptation of Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream (in 1946), Sir Robert Atkins was approached by a gushing schoolmistress. "Oh Mr Atkins, I did enjoy you in Midsummer Night's Dream," she enthused. "Your Bottom was simply enormous!"

We were in Hawaii and this woman walked by with one of those coconut bras on. My husband asked, "Do you think those are really coconuts?" I said, "No, she's just been out in the sun too long."

I stay away from the miserable people, because misery loves company. Just look at a fly strip. You never see a fly stuck there saying, "Go around! Go around!" ~Margaret Smith~

It's easy to have a balanced personality: just forget your troubles as easily as you do your blessings.

Q. What was the first country to which the United States sent a woman as ambassador?

A: Denmark, in 1933. Ruth Bryan Owen, a two-term congresswoman and the daughter of William Jennings Bryan, served until 1936 when she married Danish citizen Borge Rohde.

Q: What did the town of Ismay, Montana, change its name to in 1993?

A: Joe, Montana, in honor of the star quarterback.

Spring fever is a seasonal disorder accompanied by extreme depression and commonly believed to be caused by tax bite.

Q: What do you call a sheep that runs around with forty thieves?

A: Ali Baa Baa

Words That Really Should Exist From A to Z

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly-critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.

Zit Code: knowing where your next pimple will appear.

~ M. Mail

Russian emperors were known as czars. The eldest son was a czarevich and the czar's wife was a czaritsa.

"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about per- fect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher

"A lot of the athletes are complaining about the food in the village at the Olympics. When you think about it it's hard to find good grub in a place like Italy." --Dave Letterman

"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another." --George Carlin

You get off in Israel, "Welcome to Israel. The Holy Land."

"Great, I'm from America. Home of the Whopper. Nice to see you."

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