"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake." (Henry Youngman)

Early in the Revolutionary War, Washington sent one of his officers to requisition horses from the local landowners. Calling at an old country mansion the officer was received by the elderly mistress of the house. "Madam, I have come to claim your horses in the name of the government," he began. "On whose orders?" demanded the woman sternly. "On the orders of General George Washington, commander-in-chief of the American army," replied the officer. The old lady smiled. "You go back and tell General George Washington that his mother says he cannot have her horses," she said.

When word got around that the Carlisle Indians had an outstanding track team, Harold Anson Bruce, coach of the powerful Lafayette College team, invited "Pop" Warner's athletes to a dual meet on Alumni Day. Reluctantly, he agreed to pay a large guarantee. The meet was sold out. But when Bruce when to greet the visitors, he was disconcerted to find only a few young men getting off the train with Warner. "Where are your Indians?" Bruce demanded.

"I've got enough," answered Warner.

"How many?"

"Five."

"But, Pop, I've got a team of forty-six; it's an eleven-event program. This is a disaster. You haven't a chance."

"Wanna bet?" asked Warner.

Jim Thorpe won the high jump, the broad jump, the pole vault, the shot put, and the low hurdles, and was second in the 100. Two others ran first and second in the half-mile, the mile, and the two-mile; another won the quarter-mile, and the fifth the high hurdles. Carlisle won 71-31.

If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

My husband was bending over to tie my four-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my daughter, Brenda, staring at my husband's head. She gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"

After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."

Today's useless fact - Where did the name 'Hollywood' come from?

In 1886, H. H. Wilcox bought an area of Rancho La Brea that his wife then christened "Hollywood."

The sign, however, was put up in the 1920's by a real estate company as an advertisement for their new homes in a subdivision called "Hollywoodland", and, yes, he sign originally had all 13 letters. Hollywoodland's real estate development experienced a slide in the 1930s due to 1929 stock market crash. By the 1940s, no longer able to pay someone to maintain the sign, the developers abandoned it.

The sign was left derelict until 1949, when the 'H' toppled in the wind. The damage made people take notice. It was at that time that the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce stepped in - they offered to remove the last four letters of the sign (LAND) and repair the rest.

But sustained maintenance proved a somewhat trying task. As Hollywood itself started going to seed in the 1960s, the sign once again fell into disrepair. The Hollywood Kiwanis Club raised enough money to fix the damage, but soon after using the last of the funds to restore the 'D,' one of the 'O's crashed down the hill.

Fortunately, help was on the way. Hugh Hefner organized and hosted a party at his Mansion at which letters for a new sign would be sold at nearly $28,000 a pop. The adopt-a-letter campaign worked, and aided by Gene Autry (who bought an 'L') and rocker Alice Cooper ('O'), among others, Hefner ('Y') raised enough to prop those letters back up where they belonged.

And while Hollywood itself may forever change and adapt with the trends that circulate around it, the sign can look forward to a long and happy life, complete with the occasional facelift. Check out the links in our Hollywood category for more.

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Why is it that you can never read the doctor's prescriptions, but the bills are always legible?

The worse your line is tangled, the better the fishing around you.

If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered "brain food?"

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

On leaving his post as secretary of state, Dean Acheson was asked about his plans for the future. He replied, "I will undoubtedly have to seek what is happily known as gainful employment, which I am glad to say does not describe holding public office."

Spring is Nature's way of saying, "Let's party!" ~Robin Williams~

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious Patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his Composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical Insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle."

My wife and I have a system for settling arguments: we just talk and talk until she's right.

QUESTION: Do you know why it's called 'Fast Food'?

ANSWER: Because, it speeds you on your way to the grave.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

If you are young and you drink a great deal, it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat--in other words, turn you into an adult. ~P. J. O'Rourke~

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. ~Rita Rudner~

CHURCH FOOTBALL TERMS

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

A wife looking over bills: "The only thing to do is flip a coin. Heads I spend less, tails you earn more".

In New Jersey a gas station attendant tried to rob his own store. He got away, but was caught by police 15 minutes later. The problem was that he was still wearing his work shirt with his name on it, which was easily recognizable.

Yes and no are the oldest and simplest words, but they require the most thought.

Slow Change

If you change your overweight cat's diet to a lower calorie food, make the change gradually over a seven to ten day period. Add a small amount of the lower calorie food to the diet currently being fed. Each day increase the amount of lower calorie food and decrease the current diet until the changeover is completed. This helps avoid digestive upsets frequently caused by sudden diet changes.

Household hints - 67

#67 Want to give a cake a little pizzaz without having to go to cake decorating school? Use cookie cutters in the shapes of the decorations you like. Frost the cake, then using a cookie cutter, gently press the design into the frosting. Gently remove and outline and fill with a different color frosting...

My accountant said that he was leaving to pursue an MBA. I later found out that it meant Mexico, Brazil and Argentina.

In the 1950s Miss Morgan was working in one of the huge temporary buildings erected by the federal government for the war department in Washington D.C. It was two stories high and must have held ten thousand employees. One day they had a fire drill; the federal employees filed out by the thousands on to the parking lot. Miss Morgan was one of the first to exit. At about the same time a few tourist busses from out of town pulled into the parking lot. As the tourists departed the bus they met Miss Morgan and inquired: "Who are all these people?" To which the witty Miss Morgan replied: "They are your reception committee!"

I have come to the feeling about television the way I do about hamburgers: I eat a lot of hamburgers and I don't remember a single one of them.

When Ann told a man, "I can't learn to love you," he said, "But I have $100,000.00." Quickly she said, "Give me one more lesson."

In March, on State Highway II near Papamoa, New Zealand, police stopped a 32-year-old man driving 121 km/hr (75 MPH), with no license and also no arms, having kept relatively good control with one foot on the gas and the other on the steering wheel. He told officers he had been driving that way for years without incident, a fact that amazed police and an amputee interviewed by the New Zealand Herald. The man still got a NZ-$170 (US-$106) ticket. (New Zealand Herald...3/24/06)

Harry will never get married. He can't find a woman who will love him as much as he does.

My boyfriend and I saw two guys holding hands, and he completely freaked. "That's gross! I'd never do anything like that. That's immoral." But if I were to show him a picture of two naked women together, this is how he thinks, "What's missing? Me!"

"You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." (John Mendoza)

"People magazine has released its "100 Most Beautiful People" issue. Kirstie Alley made the list. She takes up spots 36 through 54." --Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Ray 'Chocolate City' Nagin couldn't pull in enough of the vote in New Orleans to prevent a runoff. If he hopes to hold on to his office, he will have to make inroads into what he's calling some serious vanilla." --Jon Stewart

"Senator John Kerry said this week that he is thinking about running for president again. Apparently over the weekend, Kerry was up in his attic and found a whole box full of long, boring speeches he forgot to gave in 2004. Why waste them?" --Jay Leno

Chiropractor James Burda of Athens, Ohio, advertises a miraculous cure in which he sends patients, via telepathy, back to the origin of an injury so they can understand the pain and make adjustments. Dr. Burda says he need not meet the patient, nor even talk by phone, because e-mail works perfectly well, even for people who want chiropractic treatment for their pet. According to his Web site, he discovered his skill by accident, while driving around one day. Not surprisingly, the Ohio State Chiropractic Board announced in April that it would hold a hearing to review Burda's work.

"Why do you want to transfer from the L.A. office to New York? "So I could get paid three hours earlier."

COLOR CHANGE:

Professor Greg Sotzing of the University of Connecticut at Storrs is developing clothing with electromagnetic polymers that can be manipulated to change colors while being worn, allowing the user to style himself depending on mood or whimsy.

I had a great Earth Day. I drove around with my muffler off, flicking butts out the window. Then I hit a deer. It's okay. I never hit a deer unless I intend to eat it. ~Drew Carey~

Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?

A: 100 ways to wok your dog.

Salt Lake City fashion designer Jared Gold recently began offering jeweled brooches featuring brightly colored Swarovski crystals affixed to a live, 3-inch-long Madagascar hissing cockroach that a woman can allow to roam a short distance around her dress or jacket via a silver chain affixed to the roach's back. The brooch sells for $80 at Gold's Web site. An April New York Post story quoted an animal-rights spokesman as calling the bauble "just the gift" for the "person who doesn't mind a small animal excreting on them throughout the day." (New York Post...4/14/06)

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