Thomas Edison had a summer residence of which he was very proud. He enjoyed showing visitors around his property, pointing out the various labor-saving devices. At one point it was necessary to pass through a turnstile in order to take the main path back to the house. Considerable effort was needed to move the turnstile. A guest asked Edison why it was that, with all the other clever gadgets around, he had such a heavy turnstile. Edison replied, "Well, you see, everyone who pushes the turnstile around pumps eight gallons of water into the tank on my roof."

My husband and I discovered that our 16-year-old son, Brandon, was checking the calls on our answering machine but neglecting to give us our messages.

Because I knew he'd listen to the message, I decided one day at the office to leave him a reminder on our machine to take out the trash.

When I got home, the trash was out. And Brandon no longer checks the answering machine.

A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child.

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.

The chief of police of a southern city once sent Pinkerton detective Dashiell Hammett a detailed description of a wanted criminal, which included even the mole on the man's neck. The description failed to mention, however, that the wanted man had only one arm.

HINT: To get rid of ants in the house, use peppermint extract. Put the extract in a bowl, get a Qtip, dip that in to the peppermint extract, rub it on the places where the ants are coming in, if you don't mind the smell of the extract for about a day, it really works..

Today's useless fact - Is it true that it's better to let the phone go dead before you charge it?

Only if your phone uses a nickel cadmium (Ni-Cd) battery. Ni-Cd batteries have a "memory" effect that can occur when charging a battery that is not fully discharged, so it is recommended to discharge them fully (leave the phone on until it's completely dead.)

Most batteries used in cell phones these days are not Ni-Cd, and don't have this limitation, so you probably don't have to worry about it.

An albatross can sleep while it flies. It apparently dozes while cruising at 25 mph. It uses its bilateral brain to let half of it's brain 'sleep' while the other half concentrates on flight.

In its entire lifetime, the average worker bee produces 1/12th teaspoon of honey. (And...honey is the only food that does not spoil)

The Threatening Hiss

Some animal behaviorists claim that a cat's hiss is similar to that of a snake. By mimicking a snake's hiss, a cat attempts to give the enemy the impression that it is also venomous and dangerous. Cats often accompany hissing with spitting, another way in which snakes attack. Those who support this theory also point out that the flattening of a cat's ears makes it look more snakelike.

A computer can make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working for 20 years.

"There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me." (John Erskine)

Friends are the siblings, God never gave us.

While on a week's vacation from her job as a dental assistant, our daughter, Charlene, went to work with her father at our sawmill. When he works alone, Isaac walks to the opposite end of each log to check for any wood decay or rot before sawing. As he was getting ready to saw one log, he shouted to Charlene over the noise of the mill, "Are there any problems at your end of the log?" She didn't understand, until finally he roared, "Are there any cavities?"

My sister and her husband had just purchased a new pickup truck with a standard transmission. Jenny was determined to master driving a standard, but was finding it more difficult than she had anticipated. In a conversation with our brother, Lou, she commented on how frustrated she was at her progress. "Don't worry," he told her. "In time you'll find it becomes automatic."

household hints - 71

#71 Spray paint will flow easier if it's not cold, to warm the can up, set the can out in the sun for 15 minutes. The paint will go on much smoother. If you live in a place that has no sun for the next few months...wait until spring to do any projects...

Paul never argues with Ann. He might win - and then he'd really be in trouble.

The only lizard that has a voice is the Gecko.

In 1887 Susanna M. Salter became the 1st woman US mayor. (Argonia, KS). She won by a two-thirds majority but didn't even know she was in the running until she went into the voting booth. Her name was submitted by the Women's Christian Temperance Union. She died at the age of 101 in 1961.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." (Voltaire)

Diane and William have a beef-stew marriage. She's always beefing and he's always stewed.

China's Xinhua news agency reported in March that the police department in Nanjing has gone beyond fingerprints and now has a data bank of smells taken from criminals and crime scenes to aid police dogs in investigations. Officials say that storing the scents at minus-18 degrees Celsius retards degradation for at least three years, and already, they say, the bank of 500 odors has led to the identification of 23 suspects. (BBC News, 3-16-06)

The hyoid bone in the throat is the only bone in the human body not joined to another. It is supported by the muscles of the neck and in turn supports the root of the tongue. Its name is derived from the Greek word hyoeides meaning "shaped like the letter upsilon" (õ).

"The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet." (Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Self-Reliance," 1841)

Zsa Zsa Gabor was the first - and only - recipient of a Golden Globe Award for "Most Glamorous Actress." She won the peculiar award in 1958. The category was deleted thereafter.

When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily have Math teachers in mind.

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." (Robert Orben)

"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so." (Bertrand Russell)

My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.

QUESTION: What is a newly hatched beetle?

ANSWER: A baby buggy.

"These motivational tapes have really inspired me! I’m going to make a million dollars, buy my own company and retire early. Then, I’m going to write a novel and a symphony and give all the profits to charity. Then next month, I’ll figure out how to do it." (Randy Glassberger)

The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."

Jeff not only starts things he can't finish; he starts things he can't even begin.

Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.

If Bill should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer think he's God.

A diplomat is a man who can convince his stout wife she'd look great in a fur coat.

You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not good things, they can't have too many of them!

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