MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

"Don't criticize your wife.

If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you."

Today's useless fact - How do I stop the telemarketers from calling me at home?

Log onto www.donotcall.gov and register your phone number to go on the national "do not call" list. Your number will be on the list for five years, after which you will have to reregister. This list goes into effect October 1st, 2003.

You may also request they place you on "their" no-call list (in addition to getting their information like name, company, extension, etc). The FTC requires telemarketers to maintain a no-call list (not to be confused with the before mentioned federal No Call Registry). If they call you again within 12 months then you can file a lawsuit for up to $500.00 of damages. They are required to inform you of how long it will take for them to remove you from their list as well as send you a copy of their No Call policy if you ask.

Alternately you can never give out your phone number, never return "warranty registration" type cards with phone contact information, or get an unlisted number. Check out the links in our No Call category for more.

The parent of a sophomore at a high-priced college told a colleague, "If my son is getting as much out of college as the college is getting out of me, he's headed for success!"

When my son was a toddler my mom watched him a lot and being the active Grandma she was she took him shopping often. One day she went into a crowded restroom at the mall and told my son to stand up against the wall by the last stall so she could see his shoes under the door while she used the facilities. Out of nowhere his little five year old voice shouts "HEY GRANDMA..... would you pay TWENTY FIVE CENTS FOR A NAPKIN????". There was a lot of women giggling and I guess this embarrassed him so in this tiny voice he said "well, I guess it's 'cause it's sanitary...".

Legal Questions

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?

A very grave literary reporter once asked the five-foot-two Truman Capote, "Very seriously, Mr. Capote, how would you describe yourself?" Capote thought for a moment and said, "Well I'm about as tall as a shotgun and just as noisy."

household hints 101-102

#101 If you have chrome that has rust on it, wipe it with a piece of aluminum foil dipped in coke...

#102 To keep your chrome clean and shiny, crumple up a piece of aluminum foil and rub the chrome. It will shine like glass...

An Appalachian couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".  The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of  every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't  want a Mexican baby because neither of them can speak Spanish.

- Thoughts On Being Rich -

Friendships are priceless, time is invaluable, health is wealth, and love is a treasure!

Create a nest egg of beautiful memories that you can dip into from time to time to ease any sorrows.

Have the kind of remembrances that raise you up with their worth and keep you there with their wonder.

Always have a secret supply of hopes on hand to help you plan your tomorrows.

Remember that when you invest in your dreams it is impossible to overpay.

Give away smiles, and watch them come back to you a hundred times over.

Stuff your pockets with kindness and optimism; there is nothing more precious in the world.

May Your Life Be Filled With Riches Today and every day!

Flirtation: Attention without intention.

Wife to bill-paying husband: "I slashed expenses last month. Everything was charged on one credit card so that it will cost only one stamp to pay all of our bills."

If a man walks in the woods for love of them half of each day, he is in danger of being regarded as a loafer. But if he spends his days as a speculator, shearing off those woods and making the earth bald before her time, he is deemed an industrious and enterprising citizen.

New Bride to her new husband: 'Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant.

An infant is the only creature that's more helpless than its newborn father.

Mobile homes don't move....just thought you should know the truth. They are called "mobile" because they are moved to the site on a truck and can be relocated if need be but that would take lots of effort and they have to be split in half to be moved (at least the double wides do). When my mother-in-law moved down to FL she lived in an apartment for a while but soon she and my f-i-l decided to get a real home. They bought a house for a really cheap price in a huge mobile home park nearby. When she asked the real estate woman if this was a mobile home, cause she did not want one, the smart lady answered that it was a modular home. Of course, they still live there and my dear father in law even rode out a hurricane in it while my mother in law stayed at the local hospital she worked at. He could have joined her there but was determined to stay home. After seeing the damage to other homes in the area after Hurricane Jeanne they will not do that again...at least she won't. I think it's a hoot that she is still in denial about living in a mobile home. It is a lovely double wide with an attached screen porch with a lovely separate laundry room but it is still a mobile home, but I refuse to tell her that.

More Reasons for Being Fired from the Toy Store

- Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

- Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

- Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

- Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."

- Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post- Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.

- Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

- Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I R on break."

To restore a sense of reality to amusement parks, I think Disney should open a Hard-Luck Land. The visitor could fall in love and get his first "Dear John" letter, receive draft and induction notices, fall behind on new car payments, learn that his brother-in-law and five children are coming to spend their vacation with him, and find out that his father is secretly screwing his aunt!

"Weed maked being bored ok."

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