I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

You are what you are when nobody is looking.

Asking for help does not mean we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Overheard at a Computer Store:

"I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough so that his father can play it, too."

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization it's time to get up.

Today's useless fact - Is "Rocky" based on a true story?

Yes, indeed -- Sylvester Stallone's signature character was inspired by a real-life boxer named Chuck Wepner.

Wepner, who calls himself "The Real Rocky," had been a professional pugilist for many years when he challenged Muhammad Ali for the heavyweight title in 1975. An ex-Marine, Wepner was asked before the fight if he thought he had a chance against the Greatest of All Time. Wepner allegedly answered, "I've been a survivor my whole life...if I survived the Marines, I can survive Ali."

In fact, Wepner did more than just survive. In the ninth round, he actually introduced Ali to the canvas. Wepner eventually lost, but he was the only fighter to ever knock down Ali while Ali was the champ.

Stallone watched the fight and soon went on to write "Rocky," the story of a down-and-out boxer who gets his shot at the heavyweight title and goes the distance against a boisterous and beloved champion.

Over the years, there's been some controversy as to whether Stallone owes Wepner any compensation. Earlier this year, the two settled for undisclosed terms, effectively putting an end to the fight. Check out the links in our Rocky category for more.

Marriage is the only union that cannot be organized. Both sides think they are management.

Raise: the increase in pay you get just before going into debt a little further.

Old timer: the person who remembers when a bureau was a piece of furniture.

When I arrived at the sitter's to pick up my six and eight-year- old daughters, Latoya and Jasmine, Latoya greeted me with "I've been a good girl today."

"You can't get into much trouble lying on the couch all day," the sitter laughed.

"Dad does!" responded Jasmine.

My friend Nathan was serving a young girl at the hardware store who needed nails for her shop project at school. Nathan asked if she wanted finishing nails. "Oh, no," she replied, "I'm just starting."

QUESTION: What goes up and never comes down?

ANSWER: Your age!

All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often. - Stanislaw J. Lec

Fishing is the art of doing almost nothing.

It's not whether you win or lose, what counts is if I win or lose.

Argument: two people trying to get the last word in first.

When you talk behind someone's back, it says far less about the person you are discussing than it does about your own character, about your need to be critical.

The question is not whether man descended from the monkey, but when is he going to stop descending.

You really find out who your friends are when your cat has kittens.

There's a rumor circulating around Washington D.C. that the G.O.P. is planing to change the Republican party emblem from an Elephant to a Gypsy Moth cuz of all their party members coming out of the closet.

Recent Quips From Late Night

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno

"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. ... In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein's former adviser, Tariq Aziz, testified at Saddam's trial while wearing pajamas. Aziz said he was confused and thought he was testifying at the Michael Jackson trial." --Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden ... sent over another one of those videotapes -- chilling, chilling. In the videotape, he boasts that we will never find him or Jimmy Hoffa" --David Letterman

"According to a recent poll, 84% of Americans approve of making English the official language. I'd be happy if they made English the official language of 7-11." --Jay Leno

household hints #230: Removing Perspiration Stains in Clothes

To remove perspiration stains from clothes. Apply one part White Vinegar to four parts water, then rinse.

An elderly patient of mine who had many gold crowns told one of his friends that after he died he wanted to have his ashes spread over his favorite fishing spot. "Where is it?" his friend asked. "I'd like to pan for all that gold."

Since people are going to be living longer and getting older, they'll just have to learn how to be babies longer.

You know you're getting older when your favorite pickup line is, "Do you come here often, and do you know CPR?"

Although inflation has hit almost everything, no one has offered me more than two cents for my thoughts.

In the pink is the way you feel when you get out of the red.

The art of being a woman can never consist of being a bad imitation of a man.

'Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few simple instructions such as "go left," "go right," and "build car."' (John Sladek)

We have a really small apartment. When the kitchen isn't being used, it folds right into the wall.

It's time for all bad spellers to untie!

QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a witch and a hyena?

ANSWER: I don't know, but if it laughs I'll join in!

One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together...why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"

QUESTION: Did you hear about the starving vampire? ANSWER: He was all gums!

I yell because I care.

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