A hunting guide got himself into an embarassing fix. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Montana!" they asserted.

"I am," he said, "but I think we're in Alberta now."

Two boys were walking home from school, and they began talking about their schedule of activities for the evening. "I've got an idea" said one. "Let's flip a coin. If it lands on heads, we'll go bowling. If it lands on tails, we'll go to the movies. And if it lands on its side, we'll study."

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

Today's useless fact - Why is it that when I have a cold frequently only one nostril is stuffed up?

Most folks believe mucus causes a stuffy schnozz. But according to Medline Plus, inflamed blood vessels are the real culprit. They cause swelling in the membranes lining our noses. Interestingly, there's a normal cycle of congestion and decongestion called a "nasal cycle." WebMD explains that the length of the cycle varies, but usually takes one to four hours. "If you hold a finger over one nostril and blow air out the other nostril, you will notice a different amount of air coming from each side. This should normally vary from side to side according to your nasal cycle."

A plugged-up proboscis can result from more than just a cold or the flu. Other causes include allergies or a non-allergic inflammation in the nasal blood vessels (which can occur in response to stress, cold air, spicy food, or exercise). MayoClinic.com recommends these measures to breathe freely: steam, drinking fluids, eating chicken soup, nasal saline spray, breathing strips, or decongestants.

We hope you feel better soon. Check out the links in our Common Cold category for more.

After successfully trying her case, Clarence Darrow was embraced by his lovely client, who thanked him expansively and desired to know, "How can I ever thank you?"

"My dear," replied the lawyer, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money, there has only been one answer to that question."

As Sarah's extended family of twelve gathered around the big table for a holiday feast, her husband Don raised a glass of wine and said, "I'd like to make a toast, everyone." All the guests but Sarah's six-year-old daughter Paige raised their glasses. Paige announced, "I want some turkey, not toast, please."

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strengths." - Corrie ten Boom

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

With exercise I've managed to work the fat from my stomach. It's all behind me, now.

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”

“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”

The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”

household hint #235: Remove Food Stains from Hands

Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

The church was packed, everybody was seated, the music was playing and our new pastor made his entrance. Unfamiliar with the church layout, he tripped over the step leading up to the altar, toppled forward into the pulpit and crashed to the floor. A few seconds later, he stood up, set his Bible on the altar and said, "This is the first time I've fallen head over heels for a congregation."

The children in Sunday School performed a song during service that they had been working on for weeks. The harmony was wonderful and the kids' enthusiasm was contagious. When they finished, the congregation stood, applauding their efforts. After the service, my eight-year-old son ran up to me excitedly and exlaimed: "Mom! Did you see that? We got a standing congregation!"

I solved the parking problem: I bought a parked car.

On one of my first daytime flights while in training to be an air navigator, I had to locate our aircraft's position using a sextant. After measuring the sun's position, I plotted our own and discovered to my horror that we were almost 80 miles off course. I immediately informed my instructor, who went to the sextant to look for himself. He returned smiling. "That wasn't the sun you were looking at," he said. "It was the aircraft's taillight."

Too many people conduct their lives on the cafeteria plan -- self service only!

While having dinner at a buffet-style restaurant, Jim announced to his family, "I have got to lose some weight. From now on I'm eating only healthy salads for dinner." As he held the hand of his three-and-a-half-year-old daughter Averi, she pointed to a pregnant woman in front of them in line. Loudly Averi said to her dad, "Look at that lady. She should eat only salads, too."

After my father moved out of the city to the country, a local farmer took him under his wing and taught him the basics of his new rural life. One day, as the winter wheat ripened, Dad went out to the field to check on his first crop. He took a pair of scissors with him so he could remove the wheat from the stalk to examine it more closely. A neighbor arrived just then and, seeing the scissors, quipped, "Harvesting already, I see."

"People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved." (Anne Sullivan)

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

"I look upon every day to be lost, in which I do not make a new acquaintance." (Samuel Johnson)

"There was a huge accident today. Apparently a bunch of Republican candidates trying to distance themselves from President Bush ran into a bunch of Democrat candidates trying to distance themselves from John Kerry. They just collided in the middle. It was gruesome." --Jay Leno

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money." -- Robin Williams

"Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?" --Chris Rock

"The marathon is on Sunday. The New York Marathon is the only place where you can find someone running and smoking at the same time." --Dave Letterman

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

Nothing will make a guy fall on his face faster than hitting the ceiling.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

Two grapes go on a date. At the end of the date the boy grape took the girl grape home gave her a kiss and told her that it was their only date. She started to cry and when he asked her if she was ok. She said, "No, I'm crushed!"

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