"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"

My grandfather came to America to gain freedom, but it didn't work. My grandmother came over on the very next boat.

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ivan at my bank. The operator asked me what Ivan's last name was and I explained he hadn't left his surname. What department was he in, she asked. He hadn't left that information either. "There are over 1,700 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name. "Donna," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

Today's useless fact - Who came up with the different blood types (e.g., A+, O-, etc.)?

Business of classifying blood into various groups or types was first described by Karl Landsteiner in 1901. More specifically, Landsteiner, an Austrian-born U.S. immunologist, discovered the "ABO" system, made up of four groups (A, B, AB, and O) into which all blood can be classified. Apparently it's the presence or absence of certain "antigens" in your blood that determines type.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Further research by Landsteiner and others lead to the discovery of 14 main types of blood group systems. Landsteiner also participated in the discovery of the Rhesus blood factors and the polio virus. Landsteiner was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine in 1930 for his work in discovering ABO blood types. Check out the links in our Blood Type category for more.

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster and I couldn't reach it. The woman next in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast. "You must be an emergency worker," I joked. "No" she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."

"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"

"Oh, it was my wife's idea."

"Your wife?"

"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labelsthem..."Moosellaneous."

A dog is not almost human, and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such.

It is good to have money and the things it can buy, but it's good, too, to check once in a while to make sure you haven't lost the things it can't buy.

A catholic priest went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurses's station, he carefully reviewed the patient roster and copied down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. Only after he had made the rounds did he realize that "Cath" denoted patients with catheters.

Breanne, the mother of four-year-old twins, straightened the house for days in anticipation of her mother-in-law's arrival. Finally it was the day. As her husband Daniel was about to leave for the airport to pickup his mother, Breanne begged, "Please take the kids with you, so I can take care of some last-minute details. Every minute counts without the twins around." He agreed. Ninety minutes later, twins Sherry and Sean ran into the house pulling their grandmother behind them. Sherry stopped suddenly and proclaimed, "Wow! This house has never been so clean!" Turning to her grandma, Sherry explained, "It's usually a mess."

DAD'S THREE FAVORITE WORDS: Ask your mother.

I was assigned to traffic duty and was enjoying the opportunity of driving a fine new Harley-Davidson police motorcycle. When I saw a long line of cars parked illegally, I pulled over, put the motorcycle on its stand and began writing tickets. Halfway down the row, a businessman came hurrying up to me. "Have you tagged my car yet?" he asked breathlessly, pointing farther up the street.

When I said I hadn't, he let out a sigh of relief and exclaimed, "I guess this is my lucky day!"

I looked up just as he reached his car and climbed in. Then he backed right into my Harley-Davidson.

On the submarine ride at Disney World with my six and eight-year- old sons, we were at one point surrounded by many octopuses and giant squid. "Wow," said my youngest, "now I know why they call it 'Twenty Thousand Legs Under the Sea!'"

At the restaurant where I work, we have asked our waiters to determine if the patrons are seniors and qualify for our discount before the check is made up. It's troublesome to have to change a bill after it's been completed.

One day one of our teenage waiters, rather annoyed, asked me to void all eight of his bills because the customers were all seniors, and he hadn't given them the discount. "Why didn't you ask them before you made up the bill?" I asked.

"I did," he protested. "I asked them if they were all adults, and they said yes."

Two brothers were raised on a farm, one brother moved to town. Every year, the city brother would come out to visit the farmer brother. Every time he came out, the farmer brother was complaining about his crops. It was too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, prices were low, the crops looked bad. As the city brother was driving out one year, he noticed the crops looking great. He had the radio on and crops were hitting an all time high. As he got out to the farm, here was the farmer brother sitting in a rocking chair with a grumpy looking on his face. The city brother asked why he was in a bad mood. The crops looked great, the right amount of rain, temp., and prices were setting records highs. The farmer brother said, you know what a crop like this takes out of the soil?

Love: the delusion that one man differs from another.

"When one find's oneself in a hole of one's own making, it is a good time to examine the quality of the workmanship." (John Renmerde)

"Democrats say that now that they control the House and Senate they plan to raise the minimum wage. The Democrats say they're raising the minimum wage because something must be done to protect Kevin Federline's future." --Conan O'Brien

"Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them." --- Denis Leary

Noise proves nothing--often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. -Mark Twain

"A popular item this year is gift cards. There's nothing like saying, 'I don't care, I don't know what you want, but have this and you'll find something you like at this store.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting a divorce. Boy, I didn't see that coming. I'm telling you, if these kids can't make a go of it, what chance do any of us have?" --Dave Letterman

"Do you get drowsy after eating turkey? It's the chemical in it. Here's what my mom does. She has a little secret. Before she puts the turkey in the oven she puts a nicotine patch on it." --Dave Letterman

"This week, a restaurant in Arizona began selling The Quadruple Bypass Burger. It has four slabs of beef weighing two lbs., three cheese layers, four bacon rashers, lettuce and tomato. Then, to help you get into your car, they take the grease from the bacon and lubricate the car's doorframes." --Conan O'Brien

Sisters Victoria, twelve and Sophie, ten walked to the bus stop each morning before school. One day as they passed the house where Victoria's classmate Josh lived, Victoria said, "Sophie, would you mind sitting somewhere else on the bus today? I want to sit next to Josh because, and this is a secret, I have a big crush on him." Replied Sophie, "It's no secret to me. I read your diary."

household hint #257: Bill Paying

Write the due date on the back of return envelopes that accompany bills. Place the envelopes in sequential order in a clip then pay them a week before they're due.

Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...

MOOJITA SCALE:

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.

M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up.

M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind.

M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce.

M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN.

M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !

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