Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day. "How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell MAN OVERBOARD!" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

Ever notice the people who say money isn't everything are the ones who always have it?

When you really want to do something, you'll find a way; When you don't, you'll find an excuse.

General Eisenhower used to demonstrate the art of leadership with a simple piece of string. He'd put it on a table and say: 'Pull it and it'll follow wherever you wish. Push it and it will go nowhere at all. It's just that when when it comes to leading people.'

There is no right way to do a wrong thing.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until April 15.

One of my college students is an 84-year-old man who enthusiastically signs up term after term. I suggested he go for a diploma. "Why put it off any longer?"

A week later, fresh from the registrar's office, he entered the classroom. "I'm accepted!" he beamed. "In fact, I was given an advanced standing so I don't have to take one of the required courses."

"Which one is that?" I asked.

His eyes twinkled, and he pointed to a line in the course directory: Career Planning.

We live on a small ranch and have trouble with moles in the garden and on the lawn. When my husband, Jake, and I decided to finish the landscaping in front of the house, it involved hauling several loads of soil. Jake didn't have the time to spread it, so he just dumped the dirt in several large piles in the middle of the lawn. The levelling would be done some other time. At suppertime our oldest son returned home from work. I was outside when he drove up. He looked at the lawn, then at me and then back at the lawn. Finally, as he got out of the truck, he shook his head. "Mom, we've got to do something about these moles."

I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."

The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked."

"Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer."

"Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is in the fridge."

In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.

"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."

household hint - #388 Setting Out Tomatoes and What To Look For

When buying a tomato plant from a nursery, the best ideal plants to get would be; 4 inch pots with stocky plants, about 6-8 weeks old, with no flowers or fruit showing. If plants are 10-12 weeks old and flowers or fruits are already being produced on the plant, the plants growth will be stunted and the yield of fruit will be small. Tomatoes will also require a minimum of 6 full hours of sunlight, so make certain you place them in the sunniest part of your garden as they thrive with lots of sunlight.

Somehow a small chipmunk had found its way into our basement one winter evening, and my husband had been frantically trying to catch the small creature before our cat did. When it fell into our sump-pump hole, which was filled with water, he finally nabbed it.

I went downstairs a short time later and found my husband with my hair dryer, blow-drying the chipmunk's fur before returning it to the outdoors.

When he finally felt he was ready, my friend's little boy invited his mother to listen to him rehearse his first confession. Solemnly bowing his head, he joined his hands and said: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first conviction."

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore... In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Today's useless fact - What causes that intense pain when you eat ice cream too fast?

On a hot, stifling day, there's nothing better than an ice cream cone. As it drips down your hand, you might find yourself licking faster in a futile attempt to salvage the falling ice cream. Then, like a ton of cold bricks, it hits you -- brain freeze! What's going on when this happens? Why does it feel like your eyes are going to pop out of your head? About a third of people suffer from ice cream headaches. The condition is caused by extremely cold foods or beverages that touch the roof of the mouth and set in motion a chain of events. When the nerves that travel to the brain are stimulated, the blood vessels in the front of the head expand and contract like they do during a migraine headache. Even though this sensation typically lasts only 10 to 20 seconds, the pain is mind-numbing.

The "brain freeze" has nothing to do with your brain, it's just the reaction of the blood vessels in your noggin. In addition, we learned a couple of ways to avoid the pain:

* Slow down. Eat cold foods slowly.

* Warm the cold food in the front part of your mouth before swallowing.

* If it's too late and you can feel the pain creeping into your head, hold your tongue against the roof of your mouth to warm the palate. This may help ease the pain a bit.

One thing is for sure: Americans love their ice cream and don't seem to mind the pain that comes with the pleasure. Check out the links in our Ice Cream Headache category for more.

We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved.

People who are ashamed of the way their fathers made their money are never ashamed to spend it.

It's easy to say if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the steering wheel, you can bet he's married.

If dandelions were difficult to grow, they would be welcome in any lawn.

It takes two to make a marriage... a bride and an anxious mother.

"Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake." (Elbert Hubbard...1859-1915)

The man who first said "spend" your vacation never knew how right he was.

Abbott and Costello, the famous comedy duo, once took out a curious insurance policy with Lloyds of London. The policy stipulated that $100,000 would be paid in the event that anyone in their audience died... of laughter.

Someone overheard an airplane passenger who, when queried by the stewardess as to his class, responded by saying. "Lower middle, I guess."

Driver's Ed

A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing.

"I am learning to drive," was the reply.

"What? without an instructor ?" exclaimed the officer.

"Oh yes," answered the driver." It's a correspondence course.

In 1972, rodeo star-turned-actor Ben Johnson won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in 'The Last Picture Show'. "Boy, ain't that purty," he drawled as Richard Harris handed him the golden statuette. "This couldn't have happened to a nicer fella!"

After a fellow gets famous, it does not take long for someone to pop up that used to sit next to him in school.

In the early 1970's, Tom Schulman, then an aspiring screenwriter, enrolled in film school at USC. Schulman soon discovered that, notwithstanding the school's fine reputation, some of his professors were somewhat underqualified.

"The only teacher they had to teach directing was a gentleman named Norman Taurog, who was then in his nineties and nearly blind. I remember his walking into the directing class with a cane and a guy leading him in and his sitting down and saying, 'I suppose you are all wondering how I am going to critique the performances in your movies when I can't see.'

"And of course, that's what we were all thinking. Especially since the movies we were all making had no dialogue. And he said, 'Well, I can smell a performance by the way the sprockets go through the projector.'"

Incredibly, Taurog (who directed Elvis Presley in more films than any other director) "wanted us to make only comedies, and he would gauge how good the movies were by how much laughter he heard in the room."

One of my duties as a secretary in a manufacturing plant was to update the list of customers. Beside some names were notes regarding discounts that were to be deducted from orders. I knew that "W" and "R" referred to wholesale and retail. But "10% NN" baffled me until I found out that it meant "10%, but not necessarily."

During the Los Angeles premiere of Charlie Chaplin's City Lights in 1931, the Little Tramp was astonished when, after three reels of laughter, the projector suddenly stopped, the house lights came up, and a loudspeaker announced: "Before continuing further with this wonderful comedy, we would like to take five minutes of your time and point out the merits of this beautiful new theater." Chaplin's reaction? "Where's that stupid son of a bitch manager!" he exclaimed, leaping from his seat and racing up the aisle. "I'll kill him!"

The audience was equally irate. People began stomping and booing, and the manager reluctantly stopped talking and played the film.

It is a commonly known fact that people of high intelligence have high concentrations of Zine and Copper in their hair. The question is why? Why do very smart or extremely intelligent folks have more Zinc and Copper in their hair follicles? Some say that smart people retain more zinc and copper and that allows their brains to make connections faster or allow electric transfers of nerves, neurons and brain waves.

Do smart people have different metabolisms or do they eat more meat and certain vegetables and thus have more to discharge? Or process out those things, which do not help cognition. One researcher had considered that perhaps they have more heavy metals in their hair and well, it acts like an antenna and thus they can pick up other brain waves better or attract more electromagnetic energy from the air, thus their minds work at higher or more rogue waves per usage?

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