When the government of a former Soviet country decided to grant freedom of speech as a right, one local television reporter began his evening program by announcing, "Tonight there's both good news and bad news. The good news is that we can give you the bad news."

"Time only seems to matter when it's running out." (Peter Strup)

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"

"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

My brother Luke's car was broken into one night. He waited for the police with a woman he'd met in the parking lot whose car had also been vandalized. She complained about her stereo and several CDs being stolen. But she laughed when she heard what the thief had taken from Luke's car...all his tools for installing burglar alarms.

Today's useless fact - When and why did men begin wearing neckties?

The country of Croatia may just have given birth to the necktie. Sometime during the 1630s or 1640s, Croatian mercenaries involved in the Thirty Years' War visited King Louis XIV of France. The king was very impressed by the soldiers' traditional uniforms, which featured soft scarves tied around their necks. By 1650, Louis and his court were wearing Croatian neck scarves instead of the full lace ruffs that had previously been fashionable.

Many believe the word "cravat" (meaning a soft necktie) comes from the French interpretation of "Croate," short for "Croatian." But a few sources note that the word "cravat" was in use before the Thirty Years' War and referred to a strip of parchment or cloth.

Several sites suggest the Croatians weren't the first to wear neckties. One of the oldest examples of a necktie is found on the life-size terracotta soldiers buried with Chinese emperor Shih Huang Ti in 210 B.C. Each solider wears a carefully wrapped silk cloth around its neck. Other early neckties are depicted on a marble column erected by Roman emperor Trajan in 113 A.D. The column shows legionnaires wearing three versions of neckwear. However, these images are unique, and there is no evidence that either Chinese or Roman men commonly wore neckties.

It seems clear that King Louis XIV popularized the necktie. Exiled King Charles II of England brought the French cravat with him when he returned to his throne. Englishmen soon began sporting stylish neck scarves and tied them in as many as 100 different knots. In the early 1800s, English dandy George Bryan "Beau" Brummell epitomized high fashion and reportedly changed his crisp, white linen cravat three times a day.

Styles of cravats changed and evolved over the years. The bow tie developed in the 1840s, and from the 1860s to the 1880s, cravats became narrower like the necktie we know today. In the 1890s, the four-in-hand knot (named for its resemblance to the knot used by a coach driver to control the horses' reins) was introduced. This continues to be one of the most popular knots.

As for why men wear ties, this can only be explained as a whim of fashion. In King Louis XIV's day, men wore elaborate outfits of brocade and lace. As the centuries wore on, the necktie has become the only remnant of those times. Today's ties aren't quite so fancy, but they can still add a splash of color and style to men's dress. Check out the links in our Necktie category for more.

The day after we had decorated the house for Christmas, Grandpop came and said someone had taken the garland from our deck. Only a tiny piece was left. Later that afternoon I noticed a squirrel stuffing the last of the garland into its mouth. I pulled on my coat and went outside to see where the creature went. Then I called my family outside, announcing that I had found the culprit. High up in the branches of a pine tree was the squirrel's nest, bedecked with bows and tinsel.

Time flew by while playing with my four-year-old niece. Seeing the time, I saw I'd have to rush to get my train home. As I said goodbye, I saw how quickly kids grow up. Instead of a kiss, she said, "Are you going to leave me with this mess!"

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy." (Charlie McCarthy)

household hint - #396

If you use tap water, let it stand in a bucket for a few days before watering your plants. This will allow the water to warm to room temperature and most most of the harmful chemicals will settle to the bottom of the bucket.

Business success depends on getting consumers to believe they want what it has to offer.

QUESTION: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

ANSWER: Data transfer.

Chairman: Right, let's vote on the recommendation. All those against, raise their hands and say "I resign."

"President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?" (David Letterman)

Blondes are quite often only top secret brunettes.

Flabbergasted (adj.), Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

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