"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." (Lane Kirkland)

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do in winter.

The reward for a job well done is more work.

"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own." (Harry S. Truman)

Fellas, it's true, we can't breastfeed, because if we could we'd spend the whole time squirting each other, you know we would. We'd squirt each other, tease the cat, set up tin cans and knock'em down. But we've got nipples too. Something manly should come out of them, like motor oil or beer.

Middle age is when you want to see how long your car will last instead of seeing how fast it will go.

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl; athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

The Pope has the best job in the world: he has one boss only, and even him he meets after his death.

After cats eat, they always immediately bathe themselves. This is because their instinct tells them to get the food scent off them so that predators will not smell the food and come after them.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?" "Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."

"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."

"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.

"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

Everything you own is in your purse. You could flee the Cossacks with your purse. But when you open it up, you can't find a thing in it, your purse is just a big dark hole full of stuff that you spend hours fishing around for. A flashlight would help, but if you were to put one in your purse, you'd never find it.

Today's useless fact - Is Dr. Phil a real doctor?

Would the man who tells us to "get real" try to fake a doctorate? Heck no! Dr. Phil McGraw has a Ph.D. in psychology, which seems like a more relevant degree than other daytime advice givers can claim. McGraw went to the University of Tulsa on a football scholarship, but was injured and completed his B.A. at Midwestern State University in 1975. He followed this up with studies at the University of North Texas where he earned a master's degree in experimental psychology and a doctorate in clinical psychology in 1979.

Soon after, he started a psychology practice with his father. But during a decade of treating patients, Dr. Phil realized that he didn't have the patience for the job. So he co-founded Courtroom Services, Inc., a company that uses its expertise in psychology to help lawyers in trials.

That's how he met Oprah Winfrey in 1996 when McGraw helped the daytime diva fight a court battle against the beef industry. A few years later, Dr. Phil became the resident psychology expert on Oprah's TV show. And you don't need an advanced degree to figure out where that led him. Check out the links in our Dr. Phil category for more.

Length of lunch breaks is directly proportional to the size of pay packets.

household hint - #517

If you don't have a de-greaser handy, try this... Clean grease from hands, by rubbing shaving cream between your hands and it will dissolve grime without water.

A female ferret has a strong chance of dieing of anemia if she goes into heat and does not mate.

"A bad day at work is better than a good day in hell." (Scott Johnson)

We've got two Scottish terriers, their names are Bernie and Bogie, and somebody said the other day, "Oh, that's cute, they're named after your golf game." I was like, no, if they were named after my golf game they'd be Bogie and Where the Hell is that Ball Going?, which is kind of a long name for a pet.

Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack. - Richter

You know it's time to diet when you can pinch an inch, on your forehead.

"Ten thousand times has the labor movement stumbled and bruised itself. We have been enjoined by the courts, assaulted by thugs, charged by the militia, traduced by the press, frowned upon in public opinion, and deceived by politicians. 'But notwithstanding all this and all these, labor is today the most vital and potential power this planet has ever known, and its historic mission is as certain of ultimate realization as is the setting of the sun." (Eugene V. Debs)

George and Marian had been dating since High School. They were always considered to be the "perfect couple" -- he, the President of the Student Council, the football quarterback -- she, the top of the grade curve and the Captain of the cheer leading squad. As the years went by, their relationship grew. By the time they graduated from college and began the climb up the career ladder,

it was assumed by the whole town that the wedding bells could not be far off. Indeed, Marian had been seen in the bridal salon, and at the registry counter of the gift ware department at Macy's. But then, one day, word flew through the gossip mill that George had moved on. He had accepted a position on the other Coast and was not especially interested in having his long-time companion join him. It turned out, after all that time, that he just wasn't the Marian kind of guy.

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