The new Navy recruits were being processed when a crusty chief petty officer entered the room, looking to put together a work detail. "Smith, Jones, Brown! On your feet!" he hollered. Several recruits stood up. The chief smiled and said, "It works every time."

During my uncle's wake, I saw two of his friends peer into the open casket. "Doesn't Stanley look good?" said one.

"He should," said the other. "He just got out of the hospital."

The kids in my third-grade class were struggling with the day's lesson on homonyms. I'd said the word I and wanted them to guess the sound-alike word eye, but they just couldn't. Finally I pointed to my eye. Bingo! One boy got it. He shouted out, "Crow's-feet!"

Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!”

Some executives call passing the buck delegating authority.

Growing up is the period spent in learning that bad manners are tolerated only in grownups.

While having lunch in a restaurant one day, Art Buchwald was asked by a businessman at a neighboring table whether he would like to buy the place. When Buchwald declined, the stranger made another request: "Can I have your name," he asked, "so that I can say we discussed business?"

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

I ran into a couple the other day. They told me, "We're saving money this winter season by heating our home with swiped credit cards."

President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn’t have to worry about those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and then.

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