A golfer who lost his ball fumed at his young caddy. He snapped, "Why didn't you watch where it went?" The lad replied, "Well sir, it usually doesn't go anywhere, so it took me by surprise."

The other loan officer and I were leaving for a seminar the day the password on the computer system for entering loan applications was due to be changed. My colleague changed it, but unfortunately neglected to tell our manager what the new word was.

When we returned two days later, I found we couldn't enter the system. I realized what had happened, and we went to the manager's office to ask him for the new password he had entered. Our boss decided to have some fun, told us to guess what it was, and he'd let us know in a couple of days.

I tried to think of what he might have felt when he first discovered our error. Then I had a revelation! "Idiots!" I blurted.

Our boss laughed. "Exactly!" he said.

Hoping to get some hints on how to attract birds and butterflies to my garden, I attended a lecture on the subject at the local horticultural society. However, the presentation seemed to cover only attracting snakes and toads. Finally I asked, "But how do I attract birds and butterflies?"

An older gentleman in the audience stood up. "You want to attract birds, young lady?" he asked. "Park your car under a tree!"

One evening in 1964, "Tonight Show" host Dick Cavett introduced his large-chested guest with the following words: "And here they are! Jayne Mansfield!"

Jim Killingsworth, Texas Christian basketball coach, on Tulsa guard Paul Pressey: "He's quick enough to play tennis by himself."

My real name is Wilton, but everyone at the plastics factory calls me Dub. And that's where the confusion began. A woman from the front office came by with a form to fill out. But when she asked for my name, I wasn't sure which one to give. Waiting patiently for me to make up my mind, she said, "I don't have any easier questions."

If communism is such a great idea, why didn't they put up a picture window instead of an Iron Curtain?

Dick (Digger) Phelps, Notre Dame basketball coach, on how he got that nickname. "My father was an undertaker, and I worked for him part-time. There were advantages to the job. For instance, while I was dating my wife I sent her flowers every day."

The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another. The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month.

Criticism wouldn't be so hard to take if it weren't so often right.

ROBIN HOOD: Julio Cesar Rodriguez could be called a modern-day Robin Hood. He confessed to robberies totaling almost $500,000.00 and when asked what he did with the money, he told cops he spent some of the cash on himself, and then went to Skid Row and gave the rest away. The thief, from Arieta, California was caught after robbing a bank without hiding his face. Ursula Guillory, A Los Angeles Police Department detective, said Rodriguez saw the bank video where his face was in plain view and realized he was toast. "He says, 'Yep, that's me!" says Guillory.

DEATH MARCH: Every four years, lemmings, which are similar to mice and live mainly in Norway and Sweden, go on a death march because they have run out of food. Millions of them follow ancient migration paths to the ocean, where many plunge off cliffs to their death.

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