How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

One tree can make a million matches, and it takes only one match to destroy a million trees.

I'm a retired schoolteacher. My favorite classroom story concerns a young third-grade girl who came to school one morning all excited. She explained that things were really different at their house now because her grandfather had come to live with them. Then, she said, "And he's sterile, you know!"

The teacher thought for a moment and then replied, "You mean senile, don't you?"

The child replied, "That too."

A history teacher asked her students if any of them could explain the difference between democracy and feudalism. One student was eager to share his answer and proudly stated, "In democracy it's your vote that counts and in feudalism it's your count that votes."

A school kid asks his teacher, "It is true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?"

The teacher says, "Yes"

The kid then asks, "What kept us before the law was passed?"

A man was standing in his office waiting for a fax to come in. Once it arrived he stared incredulously at the blank piece of paper. "May I please use your phone" he asked the secretary. "I need to call these people and let them know their fax machine needs ink."

A recently retired friend says he's been playing golf occasionally, but only on the days which end with "Y"

~DUMB STATE LAWS~

NEW YORK - 1. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. 2. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. 3. The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

OREGON - 1. Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. 2. You may not pump your own gas in service stations. 3. Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

SOUTH CAROLINA - 1. Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. 2. It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. 3. Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal. 4. Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday.

TENNESSEE - 1. You can't shoot any game other whales from a moving automobile. 2. Hollow logs may not be sold. #3. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

Did you hear about the baseball game between the "Collars" and the "Shirts"?

The game ended in a tie.

Did you hear about the big game hunter who took his rifle to the football game? He heard the Lions were playing the Bears.

Old football players never die--they just hang up their receivers.

ASTRONAUT: Wanna fly?

CO-PILOT: Sure.

ASTRONAUT: Wait a second--I'll catch one for you.

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