If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get something done. -David Letterman

My four-year-old asked if his best friend, a five-year-old girl, could spend the night. I said she could. Shortly after she arrived they began to fight, so I stepped in and insisted they apologize and make up. When my son refused, his friend said, "Well, I guess this means I have to sleep on the couch!"

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweler's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweler inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'

The jeweler smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

"Hey, Mom," asked Ralph. "will you lend me five dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

The woman's ears perked and, grabbing her pocketbook, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, "Hey, Marion, make sure you do my socks tomorrow."

"A man who stops advertising to save money is like a man who stops a clock to save time." ~Henry Ford~

My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:

1. Brand new mop and bucket...I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.

2. Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant...I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.

3. Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box...I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.

4. Midnight moped ride through the park...I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.

5. Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favorites this ---I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.

6. 45 second back massage...I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today's world, an assigned parking space.

While 75% of chocolate purchases are made by women all year long, during the days and minutes before Valentine's Day, 75% of the chocolate purchases are made by men.

QUESTION: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

ANSWER: Because it couldn't get a date.

An estimated 25% of Valentine's Day cards are humorous.

An average person spends two weeks of his or her life kissing.

Hallmark has over 1330 different cards specifically for Valentine's Day.

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