Think About It...

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Food For Thought: Drive carefully; cars aren't the only thing that can be recalled by their maker.

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell."

"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"

"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, lasagna!"

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune.

If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.

Linda said: The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. - Robert Byrne

Old jokes never die. They just sound like they do.

Blonde customer: Hey! This lumber has holes in it.

Hardware clerk: Those are knot holes.

Blonde customer: Look, buddy! If those are not holes, what are they?

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous liberal press, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This definition has been attributed to students at Texas A&M University. Just so you will know that Aggies know how to do more than build bonfires.)

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected." - Unknown

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