This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The barman, being an observant sort of guy says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel attached to your crotch?”

“Arrrr,” says the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

During a lecture for medical students, the professor listed as the two best qualities of a doctor the ability to conquer revulsion and the need for keen powers of observation. He illustrated this by stirring a messy substance with his finger and then licking his finger clean. Then he called a student to the front and made him to the same.

Afterward the professor remarked, "You conquered your revulsion, but your powers of observation are not very good. I stirred with my forefinger, but I licked my middle finger."

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

SHOUTING MACAW SCARES OFF BURGLAR AT PET STORE

Watch dogs are a pretty common first line of security for U.S. homes and businesses. Watch birds not so much.

But that didn't stop Merlin, a seven-year-old blue-and-gold macaw who scared off a burglar at a Massachusetts pet store this week. Intruders smashed the front window of Pet Palace in Leominster, about 45 miles (72 km) west of Boston, and as they entered the store the bird began to shout, said store manager.

"When he hears someone come into the building, or the puppies get riled up or whatever, he'll start calling for Rhonda, who is the woman who used to own him. He was screaming for Rhonda and they weren't aware that it was a bird and not a person. And so they took flight rather quickly."

Macaws are a variety of parrot, a highly intelligent group of birds known for their ability to reproduce human speech.

The pet store owner said police figured out what happened when they arrived and heard the bird screaming in the back room. The burglar escaped with just $15 (7.66 pounds) in change.

It was not the first time the bird's voice confused a person.

"He has some really colorful language, so he spends a lot of time in the back of the store. And you really can't tell that it's a bird. He sounds just like a person when he talks, a lot of times people are fooled by that."

The pretty young miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.

"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my privates!"

"Yes, Doctor, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

HMMMM. DID I LEAVE THE WATER RUNNING?

NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Overwatering your plants is never a good idea, especially if they're illegal. Police were called to a three- family house in New Haven Wednesday on a report of a water leak from a second floor apartment into the first floor.

Firefighters responded to the apartment, where they say they found a large marijuana growing system operation with a leaking watering system.

State and local police returned with a search warrant Thursday and found more than 331 marijuana plants with a street value of about $1.6 million, police said.

A New Haven, was arrested and charged with possessing marijuana with intent to sell, illegal cultivation of marijuana and operating a drug factory, state police said. He was being held on $500,000 bond and was scheduled to appear in court Friday.

CHICKEN DOO DOO MUCKS UP IOWA ROAD

MASON CITY, Iowa - A truck driver was cited after a load of chicken manure spilled out of his semi, covering a road for more than a mile in rural Cerro Gordo County.

"The end gate failed on the semi and that's what caused it," sheriff's Deputy Frank Hodak said of the spill, which happened Thursday on a two-lane road northeast of Mason City.

Hodak said the driver from Nora Springs, didn't realize there was a problem.

"No, not for a 1 1/2 miles. I think he went to turn on a different road and saw it," Hodak said.

The deputy said he had "no clue" how much manure spilled, but it was a lot.

"The whole southbound lane of the road was completely blocked. It was probably about 3 inches deep," Hodak said.

Heavy equipment, including a skidloader and endloader, was brought in to clean up the mess. The county then dumped sand on the road. Clean up took about 2 hours.

The truck driver was cited by the Iowa Department of Motor Vehicle Enforcement with spilling a load on the highway, several gross over weight charges and improper load securement, the sheriff's office said.

Hodak said the road is fairly busy, but officials were able to divert traffic into the other lane and there were no accidents.

"A lot of people drove through it," Hodak said, adding that hey probably had to wash their cars.

"I had to wash mine," he said.

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Vermouth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

The couple had reached an age where the wife thought it was time to start considering wills and funeral arrangements rather than be caught unprepared. Her husband, however, wasn't too interested in the topic. "Would you rather be buried or cremated?" she asked him. There was a pause, then he replied from behind his paper, "Surprise me."

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