Burt and Ernie were best of friends, and, as they were both in their eighties, they made a bargain: Whoever died first would try hard to come back and tell the other what the afterlife was like. Shortly after striking the deal, Ernie passed away. A few nights later Burt was lying in his bed when a voice wafted in through the open window. "Burt...Burt..."

The old man sat up. "My God Ernie, is that you?"

"Yes...and I tell you, it's marvelous...simply marvelous."

"Tell me about it," Ernie urged, growing excited.

"Well...in the morning we eat breakfast and spend hours making love. Then we eat lunch and spend more hours making love. Finally, we eat dinner and make love again."

"Holy cow!" gushed Burt. "I can't wait to die and go to heaven!"

"Heaven?" retorted Ernie. "Hell, I'm outside. I came back as a rabbit."

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An attractive young woman and her dowdy middle-aged aunt arrived at the doctor's office.

"We're here for an examination," the beautiful young woman said.

"All right," the doctor said: "Go behind that curtain and take off all of your clothes."

"Oh, no, not me," the young woman said: "It’s for my aunt, here."

"Oh, I see," the doctor said, turning to the aunt: "In that case, stick out your tongue."

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A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were debating whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said: "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Similarly when I get good cards, the dealer isn't responsible. So why should I tip him?"

The dealer countered: "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?" "Er, yes."

"Well, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"Fair enough," said the player, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight..."

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A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with tremendous fervour. "If I had all the beer in the world," he roared, "I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"If I had all the wine in the world," continued the preacher, "I'd take it and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"If I had all the whisky and rum in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah" With that, the preacher sat down. The song leader then stood up very tentatively and announced: "For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 365, "Shall We Gather at the River...."

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