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Received from: Lorraine
INVENTIONS WHICH DID NOT SUCCEED
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical pencil sharpeners
Powdered water
Waterproof tea bags
The helicopter ejector seat
The cordless extension cord
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Received from: Lorraine
Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won two million
dollars in the lottery. Her family were extremely worried about
her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too
much of a shock for her.
"I think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,"
suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
"Now, you don't have to worry about anything," said the
doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel
sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is
absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything
will be quite safe if left to me."
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the
conversation around to the lottery.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "what would you do if you had a large
win in the lottery...say two million dollars?"
"Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give half of it to you, of
course."
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
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Received from: Lorraine
One of the single girls from work came to the office one morning
and began passing out candy bars all tied up with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she joyfully announced, "It's a
boy! Six feet tall, 200 pounds!"
And then she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left
ring finger.
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Received from: Lorraine
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the
family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make
a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll
order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that?
We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for
us."
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers.
We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and
dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little
bouquet, that's enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from
the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the
cemetery."
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Received from: the little woman
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign -
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do
not step in exhaust."
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Received from: Lorraine
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson
was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on
my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his
watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he
answered triumphantly.
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Received from: Lorraine
A young man is about to go on his first date and is nervous about
what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father
replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work.
These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice
cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long
time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's
advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you
like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his
father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He
asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and
there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's
advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a
brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
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