|
The 12 Days
Of Christmas - Parody Dance
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 2000
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
|
|
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 2000
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes |
|
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 2000
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too
kind.
Love,
Agnes |
|
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 2000
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.
You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes |
|
 
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 2000
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on
my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes |
|
 
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 2000
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying
on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes |
|
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 2000
John:
What's with you and all those birds? 7 swans a-swimming.
What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all
over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So
stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes |
|
 
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 2000
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds
and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned
cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my
own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes |
|
 
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1998
Hey! Loser,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
|
|
 
 
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 2000
You Fool,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
flirts ladies. They've been chasing those pipers all night
long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it. |
|
 
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 2000
Listen! You Idiot,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've
been trampled to death in chaos. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes |
|
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 2000
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole |
|
 |
|