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July 4, New Joke Submissions: July 4 Links:
Received from: Diana

At a highway restaurant the waitress took a customer's order and was walking to the kitchen when she realized she'd forgotten something. She turned around and hollered, "You wanna roll with your dinner?" "No, thanks" the customer responded, "I'll just sit here and eat."

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Received from: Barry

Blessed are the peacemakers: they will never be out of a job.

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Received from: teddybear

The minister asked a group of children in a Sunday School class, "Why do you love God?" he got a variety of answers but the one he liked best was from a boy who said, " I don't know, sir, I guess it just runs in our family."

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Received from: cutie pa2ti

The train for Chicago leaves at 1:15, the train for Duluth leaves at 1:30, and the train for Fargo leaves when the big hand is on the 9 and the little hand is on the 1.

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Received from: Lorraine

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

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Received from: Quirk

"Have you noticed how expensive fireworks are? And with gasoline so expensive, we can't afford to go anywhere. So I think this July 4th we'll just stay home and blow up the SUV." - Joe Hickman

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Received from: Ollie

Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

A: It ran out of juice.

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Received from: laurie

Great news for New York City garbage men: They can now wear shorts in the summer. It’s all part of the mayor’s plan to beautify the city.

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Received from: Marty

An elderly New Englander, interviewed for a public opinion poll, hemmed and hawed over every question. Finally, he apologized to the interviewer, explaining. "I'm not so much of a 'no opinion' as I am a 'couldn't care less.'"

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Received from: Lorraine

My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on my way home from doing some shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway. It was my wife calling.

By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."

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Received from: Lorraine

SEVEN CLUES THAT YOUR DOG MIGHT BE IN CHARGE

1. You bought a bigger bed so that the dog could have more leg room.

2. You never forget to kiss your dog before you leave the house: the same, however, cannot be said of your disgruntled spouse.

3. You introduce yourself to every dog you meet as "(Your dog's name)'s mommy/daddy."

4. Your dog's wardrobe is as large as yours.

5. You let your dog have canine guests over; in fact, you insist that he / she socializes.

6. You tell your dog secrets you wouldn't dare tell your spouse.

7. You watch TV sitting on the floor, so that the dog can sit on the couch behind you and rest his/her chin on your shoulder for a good view.

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Received from: Lorraine

To walk only on sunny days is to never reach ones destination. (Chinese Proverb)

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Received from: Ken

I'm never lost. Someone's always telling me where to go.

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Received from: Lorraine

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." (Clarence Budington Kelland...1881-1964--American Writer)

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Received from: Lorraine

"It seems a long time since the morning mail could be called correspondence." (Jacques Barzun...1907- )

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Received from: Lorraine

In 1986, Kevin Spacey landed his first screen role, as a subway thug who mugs Meryl Streep in Mike Nichols' "Heartburn". Though Spacey was instructed to wink at his idol, he does not appear to do so in the film. Why not? Spacey was so nervous filming the scene that his face would not stop twitching.

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Received from: Lorraine

A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

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