The measure of a man's moral fiber is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.

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Robert Benchley, known for his generous tips, found the courtesies of the resort hotel lacking and decided not to tip at all. "You're not going to forget me, sir?"the doorman asked anxiously. "No," Benchley said, grasping the extended hand warmly. "I'll write to you."

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A husband and wife are on vacation. "Oh my God!" exclaims the wife. "I just remembered I left the oven on."

"Don't worry about it," replies her husband. "The house won't burn down. I just remembered I left the bath running."

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QUESTION: What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

ANSWER: Liberty!

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And then there was the political candidate who hired two research assistants: one to dig up facts and the other to bury them.

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What did one horse say to the other? "I can't remember your mane but your pace is familiar."

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When asked by a higher officer how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the captain said, "Generally fine, except when they hear, All hands on deck, then they all pick up their cards!"

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A doctor passed a nurse in the hallway. He cauterize and winked. She intern winked back.

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I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes. One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a long story short...."

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A newspaper editor was captured by cannibals and consumed by their leader. In other words, he became "editor-in-chief".

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Did you hear about the entrepreneur who bought an old, crumbling building with a bell tower and turned it into a strip joint? He wanted the belles to peel.

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After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure", said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

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Some balding men want natural hair at no cost; in other words, they don't want toupee.

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Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

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A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

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An acquaintance of ours was...how do I put this delicately?...not well loved. So when he died, I was amazed to see how many people showed up for his funeral.

"I'm not surprised," said my brother. "As P. T. Barnum said, 'Give the people what they want and they'll show up.'"

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There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough...I'm off to the bar."

The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three bottles of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Mickey Mouse" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

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The man who claims to be the boss in his own home will lie about other things as well.

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A big-city resident was spending his vacation in a small town in the country. Chatting with a local in the coffee shop, he asked. "Do you know any big people who were born here?" The villager scratched his head and then said, "No, sir. Only tiny babies are born here."

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Were Moses to go up Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd bring down with him would be aspirin and Prozac.

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Father telling son a story: "So Jack ate the magic beans, and he grew to be seven feet, four inches tall and signed a multi- million dollar, no-cut contract and lived happily ever after."

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Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom.

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Until the morality around here changes the beatings will continue!

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An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!" "What do you mean,'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?" "If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."

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"Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be." (Robert Browning)

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May Your Life Be Like Arithmetic:

Joys Added

Sorrows Subtracted

Friends Multiplied

Love Un-Divided

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I hope your summer is just like a litter box, filled with surprises!

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One reason your dog comforts you so much when you are downcast is that he isn't demanding to know why.

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QUESTION: Who invented an airplane that couldn't fly?

ANSWER: The Wrong Brothers (Jennifer from Burnsville, 5th grade)

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